Getting to Know Me
If you liked my old blog (The Running English Teacher), hopefully you will like this one. I love writing, but I hated that I felt locked in to only talking about running in the old blog, so that is the reason for the creation of Searching for Allison. I promise that running will be discussed in MOST entries, but Searching for Allison leaves me the creative license to rant, ponder, create, whine, praise, etc. however I see fit on any given day.
One would think that at age 36, I would have my life pretty well figured out, but let me tell you, that is absolutely NOT the case. In fact, in some ways, I think I am even more lost!
One area where I am 100% comfortable is in my career. I love Minerva High School and its community. I love the kids I teach and would do anything for them. I actually LOVE that I am back to teaching almost all 9th graders. I am super thankful for my 10th grade English teacher, Mrs. Vanness, who, when I realized Biology and Environmental Studies was not for me, encouraged my journey as an English educator!
So where am I NOT comfortable?
In my own skin, running, social skills...
I know some of you are asking yourselves, "How can you not be comfortable in your own skin?" And the answer is a complex one. I guess I never have been fully confident or comfortable in this God-given body. I have struggled on both sides of the eating disorder spectrum. At one point in life I could easily be considered obese, so I made a change that started off as a very positive one; however, as the weight began to fall off it is pretty easy for me to NOW say that I became obsessive about losing weight and being skinny, to the point I hardly ever ate, and it is ironic, that even at my skinniest, I still didn't like myself, and saw myself as that obese, ugly girl. So fast forward to now, where, according to my Dr., I have 30-40 pounds to lose, I still am not content.
I now know I need to be able to find a happy medium. I like being able to go out to eat, have a drink, or have an ice cream cone. I don't want to be the girl that can't go out because she is afraid of food. Thus, this becomes a tug-of-war of mixed emotions and quite a balancing act.
As a result of weight gain, my running game is average at best, and this is another area where I am torn. I loved when I was fast and running seemed effortless; however, I don't know that it was fun or enjoyable or that I was doing it for the right reasons. Running should be something you WANT to do, and not something you feel like you HAVE to do, but again...there lies me...smack dab in the middle. I am thankful for the ability to be able to run, but have not raced due to not just injury but also the fear of what it will look like on paper.
After much reflection, I have decided that at the peak of my road and trail running journeys, the journey was a coping mechanism. A way to almost hide myself from the world (and me). It was a means of escaping and not having to deal with some big issues, but of course, the walls eventually came crumbling down, and I was forced to stare life and some of its decisions in the face. And that is where I am and have been for the past X amount of time. Running is great, but fostering and building strong and meaningful relationships and going against my normal grain is way more important. Being able to cry on a run is therapeutic, but being able to cry with a best friend, a family member, or someone else you care deeply about is even more therapeutic.
There is no substitution for human interaction.
Because of my insecurities I have probably alienated some people unknowingly, and if you are reading this and you feel you are one of them, for that I am sorry. On the other hand, I know that in life I would rather have a small handful of people that I can 110% trust, than a countless entourage without meaning. People often think that I am a HUGE extrovert, but that is not true AT ALL. One on one, or in a small group I am perfectly able to function, but throw me in a party or large get-together and tell me to mingle!? Forget it!!!! the palms will instantly get sweaty, I will get sick to my stomach, and I will likely say no more than a few, generic words, closing myself off.
Some people would be surprised to know I struggle with anything, as I am 98% of the time a smiley and happy person. Please k now I am human! I have good days, bad days, I worry about things I can't control just like anyone else! However, I am slowly learning to just take each day minute by minute, hour by hour and enjoy the ride. Sure, there will be failures, heart-break, devastation, confusion, but BY NO MEANS does that outweigh the laughter, love, and happiness that is abundant in my life.
The below is a good reminder of how to better myself:
This list is a TOUGH one to master, but I know I am on the right path to be the BEST me possible, and I hope you will start your own journey, and that this blog (as random as it may often be) can help YOU too!
THIS IS ME
(in case people I don't know find this blog...and I hope they do...
so be sure to tell EVERYONE to follow me):
One would think that at age 36, I would have my life pretty well figured out, but let me tell you, that is absolutely NOT the case. In fact, in some ways, I think I am even more lost!
One area where I am 100% comfortable is in my career. I love Minerva High School and its community. I love the kids I teach and would do anything for them. I actually LOVE that I am back to teaching almost all 9th graders. I am super thankful for my 10th grade English teacher, Mrs. Vanness, who, when I realized Biology and Environmental Studies was not for me, encouraged my journey as an English educator!
So where am I NOT comfortable?
In my own skin, running, social skills...
I know some of you are asking yourselves, "How can you not be comfortable in your own skin?" And the answer is a complex one. I guess I never have been fully confident or comfortable in this God-given body. I have struggled on both sides of the eating disorder spectrum. At one point in life I could easily be considered obese, so I made a change that started off as a very positive one; however, as the weight began to fall off it is pretty easy for me to NOW say that I became obsessive about losing weight and being skinny, to the point I hardly ever ate, and it is ironic, that even at my skinniest, I still didn't like myself, and saw myself as that obese, ugly girl. So fast forward to now, where, according to my Dr., I have 30-40 pounds to lose, I still am not content.
I now know I need to be able to find a happy medium. I like being able to go out to eat, have a drink, or have an ice cream cone. I don't want to be the girl that can't go out because she is afraid of food. Thus, this becomes a tug-of-war of mixed emotions and quite a balancing act.
As a result of weight gain, my running game is average at best, and this is another area where I am torn. I loved when I was fast and running seemed effortless; however, I don't know that it was fun or enjoyable or that I was doing it for the right reasons. Running should be something you WANT to do, and not something you feel like you HAVE to do, but again...there lies me...smack dab in the middle. I am thankful for the ability to be able to run, but have not raced due to not just injury but also the fear of what it will look like on paper.
After much reflection, I have decided that at the peak of my road and trail running journeys, the journey was a coping mechanism. A way to almost hide myself from the world (and me). It was a means of escaping and not having to deal with some big issues, but of course, the walls eventually came crumbling down, and I was forced to stare life and some of its decisions in the face. And that is where I am and have been for the past X amount of time. Running is great, but fostering and building strong and meaningful relationships and going against my normal grain is way more important. Being able to cry on a run is therapeutic, but being able to cry with a best friend, a family member, or someone else you care deeply about is even more therapeutic.
There is no substitution for human interaction.
Because of my insecurities I have probably alienated some people unknowingly, and if you are reading this and you feel you are one of them, for that I am sorry. On the other hand, I know that in life I would rather have a small handful of people that I can 110% trust, than a countless entourage without meaning. People often think that I am a HUGE extrovert, but that is not true AT ALL. One on one, or in a small group I am perfectly able to function, but throw me in a party or large get-together and tell me to mingle!? Forget it!!!! the palms will instantly get sweaty, I will get sick to my stomach, and I will likely say no more than a few, generic words, closing myself off.
Some people would be surprised to know I struggle with anything, as I am 98% of the time a smiley and happy person. Please k now I am human! I have good days, bad days, I worry about things I can't control just like anyone else! However, I am slowly learning to just take each day minute by minute, hour by hour and enjoy the ride. Sure, there will be failures, heart-break, devastation, confusion, but BY NO MEANS does that outweigh the laughter, love, and happiness that is abundant in my life.
The below is a good reminder of how to better myself:
This list is a TOUGH one to master, but I know I am on the right path to be the BEST me possible, and I hope you will start your own journey, and that this blog (as random as it may often be) can help YOU too!
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