Searching For Allison

I am a mess.  My head has so many thoughts swirling around I don't even know where to start; I only know that writing helps ease those thoughts. All I do is question myself about so many aspects in my life and it is so hard to handle sometimes.  There are glimmers of reassurance, but often not coming where I need them to come from.  I feel ugly, stupid, fat, unwanted, unliked, unappreciated, and defeated in so many facets of my life I could just scream...but I don't, instead...I cry and I write. I try to be selfless, but honestly, it can be exhausting, but it is not like me to be selfish or say how I truly feel, no matter how torn up I am on the inside.  Some people have no clue about what I carry around inside my heart and mind because 98% of the time I wear a smile.  Some may claim to know, but I can pretty much guarantee that I am withholding something, because I don't like to make waves, I don't want people to feel how I feel, and sometimes I am just flat out sc

August 1-30 were good days for me. I finally felt like I was getting my running groove back, and even started incorporating some trails into my running to be able to increase my mileage and time on my feet.  My longest run topped out at a bit over nine miles last Sunday on the trails of Millcreek. I love Millcreek. Those Sunday miles spent with nature and without music were often therapeutic with whatever else was stressing me out during the week. With the above being said, I am very proud that I went from over 80 miles in the month of July to over 110 miles in the month of August, with the two previous months off due to my leg injury. ...and then comes August 31... As I was getting ready for work I ran smack into the couch.  I know, I know, we have all done this and 98% of the time it is not a big deal, and at first that is what I thought, until I realized the pain was not subsiding.  I sat down on the couch and noticed my toe was on quite an angle, all swollen, and the pinkie