The Rantings of a (Perhaps Not So Beautiful) Mind
I am a mess. My head has so many thoughts swirling around I don't even know where to start; I only know that writing helps ease those thoughts.
All I do is question myself about so many aspects in my life and it is so hard to handle sometimes. There are glimmers of reassurance, but often not coming where I need them to come from. I feel ugly, stupid, fat, unwanted, unliked, unappreciated, and defeated in so many facets of my life I could just scream...but I don't, instead...I cry and I write.
I try to be selfless, but honestly, it can be exhausting, but it is not like me to be selfish or say how I truly feel, no matter how torn up I am on the inside. Some people have no clue about what I carry around inside my heart and mind because 98% of the time I wear a smile. Some may claim to know, but I can pretty much guarantee that I am withholding something, because I don't like to make waves, I don't want people to feel how I feel, and sometimes I am just flat out scared at what the response will harbor.
One of my all-time favorite shows (which I just finished re-watching on Netflix) is Parks and Recreation. I feel that all these dumb shows, like the a fore mentioned , Friends, etc., all have little nuggets I take with me when watching. In Parks and Recreation, Leslie Knope always refers to friendships and relationships and decision making and working environment in conjunction with some kind of metaphor revolving around a team...and I love that. I have a team...it is a very tiny one, but I like it that way; however, sometimes I feel like my team doesn't have my back or the other party or parties don't really want me to be a part of their team as much as I want them on my team...and that sucks and is scary and leads to all sorts of insecurities. To be successful on any team, communication is paramount. What happens though if only one person is the communicator? or other parties listen, give a little, and then don't make the necessary adjustments. How do you deal with that when that teammate has become integral?
I know it is bad to be insecure, but that word defines me pretty well even though I try so hard not to be.
Perhaps some of the above raw emotion is from my injury (stupid broken pinkie toe) that currently has me out of the sport I love for 6-8 weeks (and that is with NO surgery). Sure, I got cleared to swim, and I did get in the pool today, but that caused a whole other set of raw emotions about me not being good enough. I know people said you have to like you and be good enough for you, but I really feel that the most important people in our lives are also integral to how we perceive ourselves.
I don't really know how to wrap this up, or what I want you or even me to get out of it...I think I just needed to cry...and write...and to avoid emotional eating.
I know this will all work itself out at some point (or at least I sure hope so, as I am 36)...but for now, I will just keep that smile on my face and keep doing what I do, and being who I am.
All I do is question myself about so many aspects in my life and it is so hard to handle sometimes. There are glimmers of reassurance, but often not coming where I need them to come from. I feel ugly, stupid, fat, unwanted, unliked, unappreciated, and defeated in so many facets of my life I could just scream...but I don't, instead...I cry and I write.
I try to be selfless, but honestly, it can be exhausting, but it is not like me to be selfish or say how I truly feel, no matter how torn up I am on the inside. Some people have no clue about what I carry around inside my heart and mind because 98% of the time I wear a smile. Some may claim to know, but I can pretty much guarantee that I am withholding something, because I don't like to make waves, I don't want people to feel how I feel, and sometimes I am just flat out scared at what the response will harbor.
One of my all-time favorite shows (which I just finished re-watching on Netflix) is Parks and Recreation. I feel that all these dumb shows, like the a fore mentioned , Friends, etc., all have little nuggets I take with me when watching. In Parks and Recreation, Leslie Knope always refers to friendships and relationships and decision making and working environment in conjunction with some kind of metaphor revolving around a team...and I love that. I have a team...it is a very tiny one, but I like it that way; however, sometimes I feel like my team doesn't have my back or the other party or parties don't really want me to be a part of their team as much as I want them on my team...and that sucks and is scary and leads to all sorts of insecurities. To be successful on any team, communication is paramount. What happens though if only one person is the communicator? or other parties listen, give a little, and then don't make the necessary adjustments. How do you deal with that when that teammate has become integral?
I know it is bad to be insecure, but that word defines me pretty well even though I try so hard not to be.
Perhaps some of the above raw emotion is from my injury (stupid broken pinkie toe) that currently has me out of the sport I love for 6-8 weeks (and that is with NO surgery). Sure, I got cleared to swim, and I did get in the pool today, but that caused a whole other set of raw emotions about me not being good enough. I know people said you have to like you and be good enough for you, but I really feel that the most important people in our lives are also integral to how we perceive ourselves.
I don't really know how to wrap this up, or what I want you or even me to get out of it...I think I just needed to cry...and write...and to avoid emotional eating.
I know this will all work itself out at some point (or at least I sure hope so, as I am 36)...but for now, I will just keep that smile on my face and keep doing what I do, and being who I am.
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