Hi There. Remember Me?
Hi there!!!!
It has been, what seems like, forever since I have last tickled the keys to write a blog.
However, today it seemed timely to do so as I will be missing yet another event I signed up for: The Pro-Football Hall of Fame Half Marathon. In the past I would be devasted to miss such an event; however, I find myself calmly reading through everyone's posts about the last run before the big day, etc. As I realized there wasn't much emotion from my end, I started to reflect on the reason why.
Here is what I have come up with.
For a period of about five plus years, my name was synonymous with running. That was all I did and all I cared about. I cared about times, being fast, medaling, etc. Every weekend was filled with driving and racing...driving sometimes over 2 hours to run only a 5k. Once I transitioned to trails, I lost my love for the road, but running and I continued to have one thing in common: it was an escape...a means to get away....a way to get over being not happy and frustrated...a way out of a relationships that left much to be desired. Running became my life because I was so unhappy in other areas.
What has changed? I am a house owner, a Willow owner, have a daughter who is a rock star (and soon to be Senior (YIKES!!) whois involved in everything under the sun, and I am in a relationship where happiness is abundant and being in that relationship leaves me wanting to foster its growth more than wanting to run. Communication and time have become the focus, with running slipping to a simple hobby I sometimes enjoy....when I am not hurt.
Running often seems like a chore right now due to weight gain over the past two years and injuries. I am running slower/less now than when I first started down this road.
Please don't hear this as an exit from running. Perhaps in the near future, I will once again look forward to running and races, but for now, I am happy just running with Kenz and hiking on trails with someone who means the absolute world to me. I also have a feeling if this running thing ever decides to take on a larger role, I will likely stick to trails...trails do not cause me the anxiety that road running does, and when being fast or good no longer is a priority, the trails and God's greatness in nature cannot be beat.
Backtrack a few steps with me to the idea of weight gain...this one has been tough for me and often lands me in tears. I am not ready or comfortable enough to divulge numbers, but know it is bad; however, I pledge to start working on this. Here is what I know about where I want to be with my body. I do not want to be where I was at my skinniest, for this was probably the WORST place I was in my life (more so than when I was obese) as I obsessed over numbers, did not eat, worked out for unrealistic amounts during the day, and yet I still hated myself. I want to be somewhere manageable that is realistic to maintain. I do not know what that number will look like yet because I have to first start taking the steps and stick with the steps.
All I know is every part of life has its ups and downs. Some questions in life get answered while others don't. I honestly have no clue what is in store for me in any area of my life, but that is ok. Sure that ambiguity also causes some anxiety, but not nearly as much as when I was running and pushing to be something I am not sure I ever sought to be. I do not regret my time running as I have had many a remarkable experience, but I look forward more to adventures in other areas of my life, with family, a loved one, and a few friends by my side.
Journey on!
It has been, what seems like, forever since I have last tickled the keys to write a blog.
However, today it seemed timely to do so as I will be missing yet another event I signed up for: The Pro-Football Hall of Fame Half Marathon. In the past I would be devasted to miss such an event; however, I find myself calmly reading through everyone's posts about the last run before the big day, etc. As I realized there wasn't much emotion from my end, I started to reflect on the reason why.
Here is what I have come up with.
For a period of about five plus years, my name was synonymous with running. That was all I did and all I cared about. I cared about times, being fast, medaling, etc. Every weekend was filled with driving and racing...driving sometimes over 2 hours to run only a 5k. Once I transitioned to trails, I lost my love for the road, but running and I continued to have one thing in common: it was an escape...a means to get away....a way to get over being not happy and frustrated...a way out of a relationships that left much to be desired. Running became my life because I was so unhappy in other areas.
What has changed? I am a house owner, a Willow owner, have a daughter who is a rock star (and soon to be Senior (YIKES!!) whois involved in everything under the sun, and I am in a relationship where happiness is abundant and being in that relationship leaves me wanting to foster its growth more than wanting to run. Communication and time have become the focus, with running slipping to a simple hobby I sometimes enjoy....when I am not hurt.
Running often seems like a chore right now due to weight gain over the past two years and injuries. I am running slower/less now than when I first started down this road.
Please don't hear this as an exit from running. Perhaps in the near future, I will once again look forward to running and races, but for now, I am happy just running with Kenz and hiking on trails with someone who means the absolute world to me. I also have a feeling if this running thing ever decides to take on a larger role, I will likely stick to trails...trails do not cause me the anxiety that road running does, and when being fast or good no longer is a priority, the trails and God's greatness in nature cannot be beat.
Backtrack a few steps with me to the idea of weight gain...this one has been tough for me and often lands me in tears. I am not ready or comfortable enough to divulge numbers, but know it is bad; however, I pledge to start working on this. Here is what I know about where I want to be with my body. I do not want to be where I was at my skinniest, for this was probably the WORST place I was in my life (more so than when I was obese) as I obsessed over numbers, did not eat, worked out for unrealistic amounts during the day, and yet I still hated myself. I want to be somewhere manageable that is realistic to maintain. I do not know what that number will look like yet because I have to first start taking the steps and stick with the steps.
All I know is every part of life has its ups and downs. Some questions in life get answered while others don't. I honestly have no clue what is in store for me in any area of my life, but that is ok. Sure that ambiguity also causes some anxiety, but not nearly as much as when I was running and pushing to be something I am not sure I ever sought to be. I do not regret my time running as I have had many a remarkable experience, but I look forward more to adventures in other areas of my life, with family, a loved one, and a few friends by my side.
Journey on!
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