Searching For Allison

I am a mess.  My head has so many thoughts swirling around I don't even know where to start; I only know that writing helps ease those thoughts. All I do is question myself about so many aspects in my life and it is so hard to handle sometimes.  There are glimmers of reassurance, but often not coming where I need them to come from.  I feel ugly, stupid, fat, unwanted, unliked, unappreciated, and defeated in so many facets of my life I could just scream...but I don't, instead...I cry and I write. I try to be selfless, but honestly, it can be exhausting, but it is not like me to be selfish or say how I truly feel, no matter how torn up I am on the inside.  Some people have no clue about what I carry around inside my heart and mind because 98% of the time I wear a smile.  Some may claim to know, but I can pretty much guarantee that I am withholding something, because I don't like to make waves, I don't want people to feel how I feel, and sometimes I am just fla...

August 1-30 were good days for me. I finally felt like I was getting my running groove back, and even started incorporating some trails into my running to be able to increase my mileage and time on my feet.  My longest run topped out at a bit over nine miles last Sunday on the trails of Millcreek. I love Millcreek. Those Sunday miles spent with nature and without music were often therapeutic with whatever else was stressing me out during the week. With the above being said, I am very proud that I went from over 80 miles in the month of July to over 110 miles in the month of August, with the two previous months off due to my leg injury. ...and then comes August 31... As I was getting ready for work I ran smack into the couch.  I know, I know, we have all done this and 98% of the time it is not a big deal, and at first that is what I thought, until I realized the pain was not subsiding.  I sat down on the couch and noticed my toe was on quite an angle, all swollen, a...

According to dictionary.com, beautiful means pleasing the senses or mind aesthetically where as beauty is defined as a combination of qualities including shape color or form that please the senses, especially the sense of sight. Well, heck, I honestly was not expecting that last part of the definition of beauty. So....now where to start.... It is almost time to go back to school, which means another round of cleaning out clothes.  This habit of mine often leads to tears, and this time proved no exception.  I am fat (overweight, big-boned, thick...whatever term you want to use, it all means the same...).   You can disagree with me, but most of you are probably just disagreeing with the intent of "it's what I want to hear", and most of you who will disagree don't really know me. As much as the truth hurts, it is always better to hear it. *I wrote this blog last week, the * part is new*.  I went to the Dr. today; he didn't pull any punches.  He told me I co...

July has been a good month to me for several reasons. 1.  I got to go on vacation to St.  Augustine with my family, catch up with some friends, and this is where I started running for the first time in quite a while. 2.  I got to go to Niagra Falls (with most excellent company) and experience how beautiful and awesome mother nature is and be reminded of how small I am in this whole game of life. 3.  My running went from non-existent to capping at just above 80 miles  (82.9 miles to be exact) for the month (a few were even with my mini-me and on the trails). So all in all I have no room to complain; however, because I am always honest and open (perhaps so much so that it can be deemed a fault) I will share some of my frustrations and what I am learning. To begin, it has been roughly three months that I have not had full mobility in my left leg.  This is frustrating. The easiest way for me to test my mobility is by trying to get in...

I was not going to run today. I had a not so good night with little sleep, and I just felt all sorts of emotional. People often say that if you put in the effort and work (no matter what it is for) you will see gains. I am starting to question this in a lot of life's aspects. However, today's run greeted me with welcome progress. I have been running in the heat of the day lately. Sure, it doesn't make for any kind of an easy run, but I feel a bit more accomplished after each one (no matter the outcome) since my mileage is low and pace is slow.  Adding the heat/humidity combo seems to offer some kind of reward. Today I left with the intention of running between 2-2.5 miles.  It was gross out so I kept slowing my pace, reminding myself that pace is not important right now...it is that I CAN in fact run, and that I am re-learning how to fall in love with this sport.  As I looped back into my neighborhood, and clicked from the time to see what my distance was, I was p...

It is a crazy concept how much more care-free I can feel (with respect to running and where I currently am) while on vacation in contrast to how I feel this week back on my home turf. Injury has not been fun, and being knocked back to square one, while humbling and a new journey, has been a bit frustrating this week.   I miss being able to run for hours. I miss the trails. I miss feeling like death in 50 milers (but then feeling the thrill of the finish) and two 100 miler attempts. I miss leg turn over (which I guess means I miss speed). I miss endurance. I miss just missing a BQ in my marathon and knowing I was soooooo close. It is ok to miss that short list and things that aren't listed, because (I think) that is normal. Flashback to vacation week in Florida: On a positive note, I finished a 5k on the 4th of July in Florida...pain free.  Yes, it may have been my slowest 5k ever:  29:32 (I will say I am no longer ashamed of times....a finish is...

There is something humbling about starting over, starting from scratch. June 19, 2017 was the beginning of a new journey for me with respect to two major avenues in my life:  nutrition and fitness. Before I explain these new beginnings, I have to address me. To start over one has to be ready not just physically, but also mentally.  Prior to Monday, I was not ready in either capacity.  I was on a mental (and physical) break from nutrition and working out.  When I was forced to take a break from running, I took a break from pretty much everything that was associated with staying active/fit/healthy, and that is ok as sometimes breaks are needed to re-fall in love with things and re-learn to appreciate them. First, let's talk nutrition. While on vacation in California I happened to come across a post from a friend, Stephanie, who was taking on clients to help in whatever way needed.  That post could not have come at a better time, because as I read i...